What I Have Learned About Relationships

First off I am certainly no expert when it comes to relationships (obviously), but I'd like to think that I have learned a few things over the past couple of years. My most recent relationship of 2 years was my longest and really my only "serious" relationship, and before it began I held the view that relationship were simple and that they only required a few key elements to be successful.

1. Communication

2. Trust

3. Intimacy

4. Selflessness

          That was 2 years ago. Since the failure of my most recent relationship I have learned that those 4 listed previously are certainly absolutes but there is one element I failed to realize prior and during my relationship and that is:

***** A willingness to completely let your guard down and leave yourself completely vulnerable. By this I mean you must be willing to let the other person have 100% access to all your secrets, fears, flaws, absolutely everything. Although in doing so you open yourself up to the possibility of being completely devastated if it does not work out, but you must completely trust in the other person. 

       For anyone reading this, that is the only way to truly love someone and have a deep meaningful relationship that can last an entire lifetime like many of our grandparents relationships have. A relationship can go for a while with just the 4 previously mentioned elements but if you cannot get over the fear of being hurt and if you cannot completely open yourself to the other person, your relationship will eventually come to an end, sooner or later.

     Also the other person must be willing to do the same. I have learned that, while we hear it all the time, relationships must be 50-50 not 45-55 or any other uneven balance.

            Over the years I have had the opportunity to talk with a lot of my friends that were both in seemingly happy relationships and those in not so good relationships, and I have noticed that one common factor in nearly all of them is some sort of power struggle (girl trying to control when and who the guy hangs out with and vice a versa. Also in some cases some used sex or refused to succumb to the wishes of the other person in order to prove that the other person doesn’t control them etc). This crap doesn’t happen in relationships that have withstood the test of time. We should not be competing with our significant other. We should be working with them as a team and we should want to do what is necessary to make them happy, the day it becomes a chore to do what it takes to make your significant other happy is the day the relationship ends, or begins heading that way.

            Of course there are always exceptions. I am not saying that it is OK for a guy to tell his girlfriend that she is no longer allowed to see her friends simply because it makes him happy. That is extreme and clearly the guy has some issues he needs to identify.

            I could go on all day but I won’t, instead I will talk about one last thing. We all have problems whether it is anger, self-esteem issues, jealousy issues, anxiety etc. Nobody is perfect but there is a significant difference between a person that has, let’s say anger issues, and he knows he has this problem compared to someone who has anger issues but is either unaware that they have issues or simply refuses (often times by lying to themselves and convincing themselves that they have no issues) to acknowledge their issues. Those of us who are aware of any issues we may have are then responsible for taking steps in order to correct said issues. Those of us unaware or in denial of any issues we have, when someone points out an issue they believe we have, we must not simply ignore them. We must conduct a full and honest analysis of ourselves and determine if there is any truth to the claim. For example during an argument once, I was told that I have issues (they did not mention any specific issues) my response was “I know I have issues and I know what they are, but your problem is that you too have issues but you do not know you have them.”

            In closing, the essentials of a successful relationship are: Communication, Trust, Intimacy, Selflessness, and a willingness to become completely vulnerable. Of course these are just the basics there is much more than just this stuff that go into a relationship. I leave end this with a quote from one of my favorite movies with, of course, Brad Pitt starring in it “Reveal everything there is to know about you and let the chips fall where they may”